I have been having a really difficult time with breastfeeding. The back story is, on Finn's second day of life, a nurse at Salem Hospital came into our room at 4am and said that he was starving and that we needed to feed him formula. I knew this was probably not the right move, but at 4am when your new baby is screaming and this lady brings in a couple bottles of formula, you just can't stand to think of your precious baby suffering. So we caved.
I cried and cried and made JJ feed him, which I still feel bad about because I know JJ totally felt like the bad guy, but I just couldn't do it. The next morning, I put my foot down: no more formula. If he needed supplements, we would find breastmilk. I called Maryanne and she brought over a bag that she had frozen and when Finn needed a little something extra, he got it from that.
When we were released from the hospital, Finn's demand for supplement had increased. We were able to get some more milk from some awesome women, which lasted about a week. As it dwindled, I got scared. I knew I couldn't keep relying on other people to provide the breastmilk, but also knew that I was only producing about an ounce or so a feeding and that just wasn't going to do it for this boy who was now used to having his stomach nice and full. I decided that I was going to go cold turkey and only feed Finn my milk. This lasted most of the day, and he did fine, but by the time the evening came, he was very hungry and couldn't be consoled. At about 8 pm, I pumped for 15 minutes and not a drop came out. I knew we had to feed him something and formula was the only thing we had.
So here we are. I'm taking every herb under the sun, drinking mother's milk tea, eating oatmeal for breakfast and avocados for lunch. And yet, my supply does not seem to increase. I have cried more in these last ten days than I think I have in my entire life combined and still don't have an answer. Do I starve my kid for days in hopes that my supply increases? Do I try to find more breastmilk? Do I supplement with formula?
I do not mean to offend anyone that gave or is giving their babies formula. In fact, my brother and I were both formula babies. I had just completely convinced myself that breastfeeding was the only thing for me and now it just feels like I'm failing Finn if I can't provide that for him. I was online yesterday and found an article about the top ten things moms feel guilty about and the number one thing was feeding their child formula. I keep repeating the last part of the article to myself. "What a baby needs most is a happy mom and lots of love, whether he's being fed breastmilk or formula."
I want to blame that 4am nurse at the hospital. But really, what do I know. I likely may have had supply problems anyway.
What I do know is that I'm going to give him whatever I've got. But the rest, we'll have to wait and see....
10 comments:
All I can say is that the smartest, brightest, most clever, imaginative, witty kid I know was a formula baby. The only thing formula really hurt was our wallet. Yes, breastfeeding the second two was a way more convenient way to go, but as parents we just gotta go with what we got. I'm sorry you have had to struggle with all of this...it's really not fair. That sentence makes so much sense to me though, a happy and loving mom can take a baby far. You've got no problems with that loving part. Welcome to Mom Guilt....I hear it lasts forever.
:( Breastfeeding really is hard. I struggled as well. We stopped breastfeeding about 5 months ago and I still grieve the fact that we didn't make it to a year. But it is what it is. We need to remember not to let these things define us as moms. But if you are still trying to make it work... have you tried Reglan? You need a script but your OB/whoever-with-prescriptive-authority should be willing to give it to you. I really works awesome but makes you sleepy. Take it at night if you don't want to be a zombie. :)
Jana, don't beat yourself up. Reagan self weaned at 6 months and Lincoln self weaned at 14 months.
The article was right, "What a baby needs most is a happy mom and lots of love, whether he's being fed breastmilk or formula."
The hospital nurses did the same thing to us and with our second we were prepared.
I have an old school baby scale we used for our kids so we could do weight checks at home. Would you like to borrow it? (I can bring it by today ;)
I'm sure you are pumping after every feeding and using cold packs under your arms to help with let down. Do you have a good lactation specialist?
Jana, since I haven't entered the mommyhood phase of life, I have no words of advice. But one thing that strikes me about your birth story and breastfeeding experiences: you are one of so, so many of my friends who have approached childbirth and parenting so thoughtfully, and with well considered plans and hopes...only to find that there is so much outside our realm of control. God is big enough to give Finn everything he needs, even if it isn't how you had originally hoped. (And I just got back from Haiti, where I met a three week old baby who weighed only 5 lbs because his mother had died and they didn't have access to formula. So...I'm not trying to make light of the heartache you are experiencing, but still so thankful that Finn won't ever have to starve.)
Jana-
Hope you don't mind me peeking in to say hi. I just found your blog and was so excited to see pictures of little Finn...what a cutie! I was so glad to hear from Brian that he had finally arrived...even if it wasn't exactly the way you planned.
I am not sure if Brian ever told you, but our Clark was born at 31 weeks, so being that early, there was nothing about his birth story that went according to my plan for him either. I also had a really hard time getting my milk to come in (most likely because he was so early, but who knows) and I was on every supplement, herb, and possible thing that might help me as well. And after a few weeks we found that Clark was allergic to some protein in my milk and after trying to alter my diet and change all possible factors, he was still having issues and I finally just said I am done....formula is great....just give him whatever makes him happy!
Logan did fine on breast milk and I exclusively nursed him. Every kid is different.
So after two, my feelings are, whatever makes baby happy will make mom happy in the long run! I know it is really hard to switch ideas when you went in with the plan of exclusively breastfeeding, but if he needs more, then try a combo of both. Alternate between BM and formula and see how that goes. Who knows, if you give your body a little break, you have been through a lot lately, and back off the stress level a little (every new mom is stressed and then add the worry if your child is eating enough and you are stressed), your milk quantity might increase and you might be able to back off the formula.
Whatever you decide has to be what works for you and Finn, but no matter how it works out, know that Finn is more than blessed in the love arena!
Congrats again you two! So happy he is here!
Natalie Jensen
Hang in there Jana! I feel for you as I experienced some of the same feelings. It's hard, but you are so right about a baby needing a happy mom & lots of love and Finn definitely has both!
When discussing child rearing people always told me "There are pluses and minuses to every choice you make." Some how it was a long time before anyone brought up the fact that sometime you don't get to choose, the baby chooses.
(That guilt thing is always there; stand up for your decisions and don't beat your self over the head with them)
~Sarah and Jeff
Jana. You have awesome friends! What great wisdom and encouragement. You're a lucky girl.
Jana-
I know how you feel. When Logan was born I was pushed to breastfeed because of his prematureity, as it helps with growth and development as I'm sure youknow. However, after trips to the hospital every three hours for feedings, pumping on the off hours for 20 minutes aside and still not getting very much, I too had to give in. I was told due to stress and everything that was going on, in addition to some physical problems my body has I was just unable to give Logan everything he needed. I had to start supplementing as well. In then end Logan ended up being a formula baby. He is just as happy and healthy and as smart as he could be even though... It was my choice this time not to put myself through the anguish of that again so I also chose formula for Jackson. He too is also extrememly happy and healthy. Just know that what we have planned in our heads as moms usually goes right out the window the minute baby comes along. Unfortunately how we think things should go is not always the plan that is set before us. Know that Finn will be happy, healthy and just as well nourished with formula as he would be with breastmilk. You are a wonderful mommy and JJ is right there by yourside supporting you in whatever is best for you both! We all love you so very much and are here for you in these first few months. Learninng for the first time always sucks the most! Love you Lots!!!
Jana,
When Abby was born she was 5 weeks early. My milk was just like yours. It was not coming in and I pumped all the time. She was dropping wait and I had make my first major descision as a mother. I started her on formula. Its ok to not breast feed. You will still bond with your baby, and he will be getting the nutrition he needs. Like Christi said, it just hurts the wallet. We used the kirkland brand. I did some research and its the same as Similac. Good luck, you're doing a great job!
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